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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25482535">you'll find me on my tallest tiptoes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysticTwirl/pseuds/mysticTwirl'>mysticTwirl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>darling, you're a poet (you don't even know it) [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adulthood, Akaashi and Udai working together, Canon Compliant, Chapter 401, Editor Akaashi Keiji, Established Relationship, Fluff, Future Fic, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene, Post-401 Date Fic, Post-Match Date, Post-Time Skip, Pro Volleyball Player Bokuto Koutarou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:02:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,240</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25482535</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysticTwirl/pseuds/mysticTwirl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>[Akaashi-san]: Good day, Udai-san. In consideration of our trip, it may be advisable for us to stay the night in Sendai to avoid a crowded commute going back to Tokyo.</p>
  <p>[Akaashi-san]: Luckily for us, the area we are visiting is known for their delectable cow tongue and the nightlife in Kokubuncho is said to be worth the trip.</p>
</blockquote>In which, Udai senses that his editor may have a non-platonic relationship with MSBY’s star player but is willing to keep his secret.<p>(or after the match, Bokuto and Akaashi explore Sendai nightlife and talk about the future.)</p><p> </p><p>Can be read as a standalone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akaashi Keiji &amp; Udai Tenma, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>darling, you're a poet (you don't even know it) [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1821622</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>142</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>998</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Bokuaka Week 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you'll find me on my tallest tiptoes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Happy bokuaka week to the best ship and fandom! Day 3: Future</p><p>For Furudate and the Haikyuu fandom. Thank you for a wonderful eight years! I've had so much fun and learnt so many lessons; I hope to do Furudai justice.</p><p>Partially inspired by <a href="https://twitter.com/mirai_4_5_/status/1282348022412845058?s=20&amp;fbclid=IwAR20lJyuY-Pdfh6xYwvDJwskIy1gUNakrDa_w7r7cMdukuBbXa6zE0iwsDI">this tweet</a> on what bokuaka’s Kokubuncho date would be like, you’re amazing Mirai!<br/> </p><p>This can be read as a standalone, relationship context remains the same across the series.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Akaashi Keiji-san,” Udai Tenma looks at the paper handed to him, an elegantly formatted list of qualifications and recommendations, “we think he will be a good fit.”</p><p>Udai nods, he has no reason to doubt Shonen Vai’s hiring management team, in charge of upholding the company’s rigorous employment process. It’s no small feat, to dwindle down hundreds of applicants to find those who meet the right qualifications; it’s even harder to forge a partnership between two individuals for the sake of creating good content.</p><p>“I look forward to meeting him,” he adds a note to tomorrow’s calendar and the recruiter bids him farewell. Udai scans the paper again, his eyes latch onto a certain detail, <em>volleyball captain during his high school years, second-string setter in university</em>, it shouldn’t matter but-</p><p>Udai finds himself pleased, perhaps this would be a satisfactory match.</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>“’Kaashi,” the man in question looks up, “you’re doing it all wrong.”</p><p>Bokuto Koutarou gently takes the fabric from his grasp, pulling the ends to a satisfactory length before proceeding to make the knot, Akaashi flusters a bright red.</p><p>“Ah, thank you, Bokuto-san,” his boyfriend twists and turns the length, over and under it goes, comparable to Akaashi’s nerves.</p><p>“Uh huh,” he sticks his tongue out, and pulls the knot upwards to tighten around his collar, Akaashi feels an assault on his throat. “There, now you look perfect.”</p><p>It’s a simple knot, no stroke of mastery needed for its execution, but Bokuto looks at his work with pride before directing his smile at Akaashi.</p><p>“You’ll do great today! They’ll definitely hire you at first glance,” Akaashi doubts the ethics of hiring someone based on physical attributes, but his nerves are willing to be appeased by frivolous reassurances.</p><p>“I’ll do my best,” he promises, discreetly adjusting at the base of his neck. It’s the only thing I can do, Akaashi reassures himself. His words, actions, and feelings- he has control over, and the rest he must accept as is.</p><p>"Give it your one-hundred twenty percent," Bokuto says like a shared secret, suddenly the knot feels just right.</p><p>"I will, have a safe trip, Bokuto-san."</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>Udai's first impression of Akaashi is stoic and well-mannered, a neutral thought, for the man who has walked in wearing a monotone suite and a blank stare.</p><p>"We don't do that here," he gestures to the applicant's state of overdress, in a teasing tone that he hopes will cancel any nerves in the air.</p><p>Akaashi blinks, "I see, I didn't expect Shonen Vai to favor a more comfortable approach."</p><p>"It's hard to create something fun and wonderful when everyone is stuck in formal and stuffy attire," he gestures to his own smart casual outfit, "it's a new era, things are changing."</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>Bokuto spends the last nights before the start of the V.League season in Akaashi's rented studio apartment. This causes multiple inconveniences; the length of the commute from the Jackals dorm, the unsatisfactory size of their shared bed, the feeling of home not quite settling in.</p><p>Bokuto doesn't mind, he'll be travelling to Sendai for the first game of the season and further upwards for future matches. Time is precious, he gently reminds.</p><p>Akaashi wishes that time would be kinder. It's a pivotal moment in the manga he's working on, overtime is a must. He comes home after dinner and shamefully passes out within minutes of cuddling.</p><p>There is a pair of warm arms around his middle, a reassuring heartbeat against his back, and a mumbled, I love you, before he drifts away.</p><p>He misses him already.</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>"What are you afraid of?"</p><p>Akaashi raises his eyebrows at the peculiar question, Udai laughs, "Humor me, it's a fair thing to ask when you're looking to work for a horror manga."</p><p>Akaashi pauses to consider, he thinks of the horror films he was too young to watch without parental supervision, jump scares from online comics, and horror stories that claimed to be true. He thinks of monsters underneath beds, creatures found in the woods, demons roaming in the dark.</p><p>"I am afraid of human consequence," Akaashi knows it's the wrong answer when Udai's expression changes, he tries to amend, "I mean, I am afraid of how people treat those they dislike, with anger, hurt, judgement. The evil that comes from human condition, people become the real monsters."</p><p>Akaashi knows it's a weird response, he can almost hear his high school teammates chiding at him for speaking so cryptically; but Bokuto would understand.</p><p>"I have to admit I didn't expect that," the chuckle Udai releases is reassuring, "I've gotten ghosts, werewolves, even zombies, but never humans."</p><p>"I wouldn't agree on working with zombies if I were afraid of them," Akaashi defends, "I've never been the type to mind mythical creatures, imagination can only do so much."</p><p>"And yet it takes humanity only doing a little to spark a reign of despair. In my manga's case, an experiment gone wrong starting a worldwide zombie infestation," Udai chuckles.</p><p>"I like that answer, Akaashi-san, it's honest." Udai gestures at his character sheets, "In this current arc, the remaining survivors are trapped within an abandoned school and the swarm is approaching and yet, do you know what they do?"</p><p>Akaashi knows what they do, he had done his due diligence to thoroughly study the plot in preparation for his interview, he doesn't get the chance to answer.</p><p>"They fight, they spend time arguing over feelings, past conflicts, broken friendships," Udai lists, "humanity is on the brink of collapse and yet they still hold each other to unreasonably high moral standards."</p><p>"You have Sato, main character, learning that his best friend had looted from other survivors, Mika, his sister, had poisoned an evil scientist for revenge," Udai explains. "In a scenario of survival, it shouldn't matter, but these characters refuse to lose what humanity they have left."</p><p>"The point of a horror manga isn't in the fear, at least not initially. It's in the narration, the stretch of the rising actions, tensions from the approaching climax, a lingering sense of doom and dread," Udai looks at Akaashi, "it's creating characters for the audience to root for, to have them foster a sense of hope and cheer for their survival; before everything inevitably goes down."</p><p>"Before my former editor, Nami-san, left for paternal leave, she always berated me," Udai chuckles, "<em>you rather kill characters off instead of letting them confront their feelings</em>, she's not wrong, it's rather convenient when your story is centered on zombies."</p><p>"It took a while for me to understand her, I've always been focused on the art and shock value, that's what scares me- seeing a nightmare come to life on paper," Udai looks fond, "but terror comes from a combination of both, it's using all possible elements to make the audience feel, not just fear, but the burden of hope, a glimmer of humanity."</p><p>Akaashi nods in agreement, the interview has shifted from a conversation to an exchange of knowledge. Across from him, Udai suddenly appears older and wiser, like years in the manga industry has offered him a deeper glimpse into the world.</p><p>It's odd to hear Udai put into words a sentiment Akaashi has felt while reading the man's manga. The material is scary, the art is grotesque and the plot gripping, but somewhere in the middle he focuses less on the outward fear triggers and more towards the impending conflicts within the group. Sato is slowly descending into insanity, Mika is consumed with guilt, the survivors are starting to separate- all consequences of human action. In a world without zombies, there would still be conflict, personal and tangible horrors.</p><p>"It'll be a hard job, filling in Nami-san's role," Udai interjects, "as an editor she provides another perspective on the plot, she is equally invested in these characters. It's hours of hard work, storyboards, and revisions. It takes dedication to build a story with such high stakes, to have your readers trust that the payoff is worth it."</p><p>Akaashi straightens in his seat and sweat starts to build beneath his collar. This seems like the start of a <em>we're sorry but</em>, a beginning to an end. He feels a pit in his stomach, he was starting to like to the prospect of working in this company.</p><p>"It'll be hard, but I think you hold a lot of promise," Akaashi's eyes widen, "I've seen your portfolio, your writing is certainly impressive. You put much care in crafting your storylines, your characters have depth and feel human, your output is pristine and put-together."</p><p>For a moment, Akaashi is speechless, "I appreciate your kind words, I simply do my best to create the most satisfactory output."</p><p>"You do more than that, I can tell," Udai doesn't elaborate but Akaashi wants him to, what does he see from his works, what does he see in Akaashi. "It might not be the job you expected for yourself, but I have a good feeling about this."</p><p>What is this good feeling, Akaashi doesn't know, but Udai is looking at him with a confidence Akaashi is unfamiliar with; he will do his best.</p><p>"The only question is, you say you fear human condition," Udai's eyes issue a challenge, "I am sorry to say but this is the exact thing we're going to have to depict for Zombie Knight Zom'bish to become a bestselling manga."</p><p>The contract was prepared by the human resources team, kept in Udai's top drawer in the event of the interview's success. There are pages of details, benefits, and company guidelines; later, Akaashi will go through each meticulously. But now, he feels relief in his chest, a large exhale of tension almost escapes him.</p><p>He meets Udai's challenge, "I wouldn't mind the chance to face my fears head on."</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>When he gets home, Akaashi calls Bokuto right away.</p><p>"I knew they'd get ya!" his voice is loud on the phone, no indication that he has just finished a strenuous training session, "Congratulations, we're definitely going to celebrate when I get back."</p><p>Akaashi hums in approval, he can hear movement in the background, the slam of lockers and ruffling of materials, he hopes Bokuto is not causing too much of a disturbance.</p><p>"Bokkun, it's yer turn ta use d'showers," a voice mumbles, a water bottle drops and someone curses after it, Bokuto acknowledges the newcomer.</p><p>"Say, who ya even talkin' to?" the voice asks, Akaashi suddenly perks in interest. It's presumably a full locker room and anyone could overhear, should Bokuto have stepped outside for this conversation, should Akaashi have waited to call-</p><p>"A good friend of mine," Bokuto replies, "thanks for telling me, I'll be there in a sec."</p><p>Akaashi deflates with disappointment, it's unfair of him to feel this way when he was just stressing a few seconds prior. They are best friends, Bokuto hadn't lied. He would have done the same thing, but it hurts, nonetheless.</p><p>"I'll call you tomorrow and dinner this Friday, my treat, yea?"</p><p>Akaashi mumbles a quiet okay. He wants to say something, but words escape him; the call ends.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>[kou]: love you!! have a good night</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>Udai hadn't lied, the role of an editor required equal parts dedication and resilience. On Akaashi's first month, the company had sent him every volume of Zombie Knight Zom'bish. Think of it as your new encyclopedia set, Udai had told him and Akaashi did just that. He made sure to study every character, from the protagonists to the departed, he outlined their character traits, goals, flaws, and pivotal moments.</p><p>He had mapped the storyline in his bedroom, details on various arcs, analysis on writing trends, speculations for future chapters. By his second month, Akaashi could recite the whole manga like the back of his hand and illustrate every character with his eyes closed.</p><p>"How do you feel," Udai comes to him barring coffee and a stack of papers, "about Erika-chan and Sato getting married in the last chapter?"</p><p>Erika-chan, secondary character but main love interest, childhood friend to Sato. She does fairly decent in character polls, mainly the favorite of female readers. Akaashi supposes that some of the fans are invested in their love story, however-</p><p>"She has yet to do anything of significance in the last seventy chapters and is currently in hiding while Sato and Noriaki are infiltrating the zombie lab to save the world," Akaashi pinches the bridge of his nose, "we'd have to make her feel more relevant in the climax to fully capitalize on their love story."</p><p>"Well, Sato did save her during her last appearance. And he did tell her to stay behind to keep safe," Udai strokes his chin thoughtfully, "but I do agree that she needs more visibility, the epilogue will have them raising a family in the new world."</p><p>Raising a family, Akaashi pauses, an appropriate ending to a manga about zombies and gore. A way to say, look how humanity is in ruins, but everything is alright if you can start a family. Look what hundreds of chapters of character development had amounted to, a picture-perfect vision of a familial lifestyle.</p><p>"I can tell that you're thinking hard, Akaashi-san. Tell me what's on your mind," Udai prods gently. It takes three months for Udai to learn the tells of Akaashi's overthinking, a slight twitch of the brows, a darker expression on his face, and the most damning, fidgeting fingers.</p><p>It takes four months for Akaashi to feel truly comfortable voicing out his unfiltered opinions. Udai is patient on that regard, always reminding him that their success is based on both their inputs, not just his.</p><p>"I believe it would be too cliché to end on such a cheerful note, all characters have suffered from trauma and now bear the burden of restructuring the new world," Akaashi chooses his words carefully, "it'll be awhile before any of them could start a family."</p><p>"But it would feel hopeful, wouldn't it not? To see that after despair, love could conquer on," Udai laughs, "but I am not the sappy kind, the truth is, the directors have their own opinions on how this should end."</p><p>Akaashi nods, he knows that they do not have full reign on the story they wish to write. There are directors to appease, sales numbers to hit, merchandise goals that depend on character appearances- so many factors to consider. There are also the fans, active on social media and vocal in their opinions, they have been waiting the longest for a satisfying payoff.</p><p>"What about Noriaki?" Akaashi asks. Noriaki, former rival turned best friend, a secondary protagonist to Sato.</p><p>"Directors want him with Mika. They argue that Mika and Sato are alike, being siblings and all, so they'll probably get along," this time Akaashi does have a visible reaction, he wrinkles his nose in disdain.</p><p>"I see you, Akaashi-san, I never visualized Noriaki with anyone, his relationship with Sato has always been the most important to his character," Udai muses, "I am sure the fans feel the same way."</p><p>Akaashi knows how the fans feel, if the amount of fanart, writing, discourse, and online presence is anything to go by. Akaashi does his research, he lurks on the forums more than he should, to initially see fan response to the plot, then to see speculations, theories, and wishful thinking.</p><p>"The bond Sato and Noriaki have is the most meticulously crafted in the series, it would be gratifying to build an ending around that," Akaashi muses. It makes the most sense, they were each other's biggest confidants and ultimate foils, they've saved each other countless times.</p><p>"And what kind of ending would that be, Akaashi-san?" The question leaves Akaashi momentarily overexposed, afraid that his boss might be insinuating something from his sentiments. Akaashi looks to Udai for judgement or any indication of malice, but the older man is sincerely interested in his opinion.</p><p>What kind of ending would that be, Akaashi knows the kind the fans want. Some sort of indication that their partnership went beyond slaying zombies to that of a more domestic kind. The idea that their unbreakable bond and infallible trust could be an indication of <em>more.</em></p><p>Ridiculous, Akaashi mentally scolds himself, this is a Shonen and set in Japan, there is no room for misplaced wistfulness.</p><p>"An ending wherein both are fulfilled in what they're doing and supporting each other from the sidelines," Akaashi explains. Sato can go and restructure the government from within, make sure that the zombie virus never falls into the wrong hands again. Noriaki can lead the scientists in rebuilding the cities and helping survivors. They'll be happy working towards their goals.</p><p>"I like that, Akaashi-san. I'll definitely consider in when drafting my proposal," Udai looks calmer, their coffees have gotten lukewarm.</p><p>"Partnership is important, it's good to have someone who supports you throughout the craziness," Udai takes a big gulp of his coffee, it must taste as unsatisfying as it looks, but it's a worthy sacrifice to survive the night.</p><p>"You can't blame me for wanting to give the boys a sense of normalcy after putting them through all that," Udai looks at Akaashi, and for a moment, there is a flicker of recognition, but it's gone before Akaashi can react.</p><p>"Unfortunately, the world is never so kind."</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>Whenever the MSBY Jackals hold a game in Tokyo, Akaashi is sure to attend. It has been a staple since his college years, often other members of the former Fukurodani team would accompany him.</p><p>He is sitting in between Konoha and Komi in a match against the Falcons. It’s the fourth set, the Jackals are leading by a significant gap late into the game; victory will be decided soon.</p><p>The crowd is entranced, the stadium vibrates with excitement, it's the climax of this fight and Bokuto rises to the occasion, several meters into the air to slam a spike down, hard. The crowd immediately echoes back, <em>Bokuto Beaaam,</em> they hold up their fingers.</p><p>Akaashi holds his fingers into the gun pose too, unable to hide his glee. Konoha bumps his elbow, "That's your man."</p><p>He's teasing, but Akaashi doesn't mind, in this moment, he has nothing less than pride for <em>his </em>man.</p><p>The back and forth continues until the Jackals double-down on their pursuit, this time a newer player - <em>Omi-kun,</em> he imagines Bokuto saying, brings it home.</p><p>Instantly, the audience comes alive, crowds stand to cheer and salute their favorite teams. Some will be exiting the stadium, looking to avoid the onslaught of the mob, but most will be staying behind for the chance to meet their idolized players. Akaashi knows which half of the crowd they'll be a part of.</p><p>"Better get ya down there, Akaashi," Komi chides, already rising from his seat, Konoha grumbles after him. "Bokuto already knows we're having dinner afterwards, why do we have to wrestle against the masses?"</p><p>"Because," Komi gives him a pointed glance, "Bokuto will be a big cry baby if we don't praise him right after the match, then we'll have to deal with him the whole night." Konoha mutters in displeasure but Sarukui beckons them forward. Together, they endure the painstaking descent into the court.</p><p>There is a lull in which players freshen up behind the scenes and lines are set to await their turn. Konoha complains about having to wait in Bokuto's line when Oliver Barnes is someone he'd very much like to meet.</p><p>"He can get you your autograph," Akaashi reassures, Konoha would like retort but the younger boy's interest is elsewhere. Bokuto has come out, less sweaty and more put together, he practically melts at the sight.</p><p>Komi pats his back reassuringly, a reminder to say, yes we love these two so we must endure their antics. It's endearing really, if Konoha hasn't been dealing with this since high school, he might find it sweet.</p><p>The line dwindles, it isn't long before they are in front. The official tells them that they have three minutes for a picture, there are still a lot of people waiting. It takes seconds for Bokuto to realize who's in front of him.</p><p>"Aggkashi!" He proclaims, a big smile on his face. Konoha mutters, we're here too, and Komi jabs him on the side.</p><p>Bokuto stretches his arms, wide and expectant; Akaashi freezes.</p><p>Konoha sees it unfold, the split-second calculations Akaashi makes to take notice of the crowd, the paparazzi in the background, the sheer number of eyes on them. It takes a split second for Akaashi to reject.</p><p>"Hello, Bokuto-san," he keeps himself an arm's length away, Bokuto's arms are still outstretched, it's awkward.</p><p>Konoha saves them the trouble, moving forward to give Bokuto a pat on the back. Komi and Sarukui must sense the tension because they gather around him too. They sing him praises and Bokuto bashfully accepts them all, but no one misses the slight hesitation in his smile.</p><p>They have an awkward group hug, this includes Akaashi, and the official takes their photo. The three minutes are up.</p><p>"I'll see you guys later yea! My treat," Bokuto proclaims, and they all agree. They turn around to walk away.</p><p>"Akaashi…"</p><p>Konoha freezes, he waits for the man in question to acknowledge his friend.</p><p>"We'll see you later, Bokuto-san," and just like that, Akaashi is a few steps away from him. Konoha doesn't know if Bokuto watches them retreat, but he sees Akaashi fiddle and entangle his fingers.</p><p>"Bokuto, can I please ask for a hug?" the next fan cheekily asks, she is wearing an MSBY Bokuto jersey replica, her hair is in a high ponytail.</p><p>"Oh... Okay, sure, why not!"</p><p>Konoha sees Akaashi's bottom lip quiver, his hands are unsteady. He has always known about the labyrinth inside his kouhai's mind, the twists and turns he sometimes gets lost in. It must be hard, he concludes.</p><p>"Come, if we hurry we can still meet Barnes."</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>"We were given a special mission," Udai tells him one day. It's become a habit, to interchange the word assignment for mission, as if they were characters in a quest rather than workers being given jobs.</p><p>"And what does this mission entail," Akaashi will humor him, for both their sanities' sake.</p><p>"The directors want to do something to promote our sports manga, a little push to encourage readers to anticipate our new series," Udai explains, he fiddles with his files on hand.</p><p>"Why did they choose to involve our division?" Akaashi asks, it's a fair question, Udai has yet to tell him that he's been dreaming up new ideas. Nothing big, yet, just a vague illusion of volleyball and flying; he chooses to keep this to himself.</p><p>"For good will," Udai replies, "It'll be nice to show them that we can handle different projects, and I am sure you're tired of seeing the undead every week."</p><p>If Akaashi were a bad employee he would retort that he regularly sees the undead in Udai, and it would greatly convenience him to focus on his deadlines and get enough sleep. But Akaashi is a model employee, so instead he says,</p><p>"What do they need from us?" This prompts Udai to launch into an explanation, it's simple really, a feature article on any sport, the bigger the better, to gain attention.</p><p>"We're looking for a real headliner, a big-time athlete who's friendly and familiar, but we're having a hard time finding someone on short notice."</p><p>Akaashi bites his lip and calculates his next move. He could casually drop that he was dating an Olympic volleyball star who happened to be well-loved by the press, it would certainly gain his division favor. But there was his dilemma of dating said Olympic star, which certainly would be a conflict of interest. Udai said they were desperate, but is Akaashi?</p><p>"I may know of someone," Akaashi keeps his face neutral, "my former high school volleyball captain was part of the Olympics roster and is currently an outside hitter for the MSBY Black Jackals."</p><p>Akaashi doesn't expect Udai to follow every Japanese national team, much less any private sports clubs. But if he hears his boss negatively comment against men’s volleyball, he may not be able to restrain himself from defending the beloved sport.</p><p>"No way, seriously? I used to be a big fan," Udai proclaims, Akaashi blinks, "I played back in high school, we got to nationals a couple of times."</p><p>Akaashi is stumped, amazed at how deep the network of high school volleyball went. His boss hardly seemed like the type to actively play sports, and Akaashi means this respectfully. Beyond his short stature, Udai hardly had the energy to make it to the office on most days, not exactly the finesse of a former athlete.</p><p>"I can tell you're judging me, Akaashi-san," Udai wines, it takes him five months to fully feel comfortable around his boss, today it's to his detriment. "I may not seem like it, but back in the day I was a real star."</p><p>A star huh, Akaashi muses, he must have been good to say it so plainly.</p><p>"You used to play volleyball too, I remember reading your resume," Udai remarks, Akaashi wonders why the topic hadn't been brought up sooner, "I assume you’ve kept in touch with your team if you can contact..."</p><p>"Bokuto Koutarou," Akaashi supplies and Udai immediately types his name into google. He's a true star, Akaashi laments, you should know him.</p><p>"Oh wow, he's really popular huh?" Udai has a particular twitter open, <strong>@Simps4Bokuto</strong> with thousands of followers, Akaashi hopes his boss won't notice his own username among the list.</p><p>"You think we can land an interview with the guy? We'll need it by next week at the latest, and I know the season has just started," Udai laments. If only he had known, that said guy was just in Akaashi's apartment days prior.</p><p>"The MSBY Jackals' first game is in Sendai, we can go and conduct the interview in person," Akaashi knows this is dangerous territory, proposing to visit his boyfriend under the guise of a business trip is definitely a conflict of interest.</p><p>"I am from Sendai, it has been awhile since I've visited home," conflict of interest be damned, Udai looks convinced, "I'll need to have it greenlit by the directors, do you think we can have the interview confirmed soon?"</p><p>"Tomorrow," Akaashi says too quickly and curses his unrestrained enthusiasm, "I mean, I am sure Bokuto-san will be willing to accommodate us if we make the journey."</p><p>"You seem very sure of yourself, Akaashi-san," Udai remarks innocently, but sweat builds underneath Akaashi's collar, "I am glad to see you're still updated with volleyball; it might come in handy in the future."</p><p>Updated is an understatement, Akaashi wants to say, he's had the pleasure of receiving the world's best volleyball player's affections since high school.</p><p>The two discuss details and plans, the trip will be long and alarmingly close to Udai's deadline, which he assures he will long complete by then.</p><p>Akaashi doesn't know if his proposal has made him the best employee or the worst, but his anticipation at seeing Bokuto overrides any lingering guilt.</p><p>"Thanks, Akaashi-san for working your hardest," Udai's smile is trusting and kind.</p><p>How ironic, Akaashi laments.</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>[you]:</strong> Bokuto-san, Weekly Shonen Vai would like to extend a formal invitation to have you as our featured athlete in our next edition. If you are free, Udai-san and I would like to interview you in-person after your upcoming match in Sendai. Please send me the contact details of your PR team so I can relay my proposal formally.</p>
  <p>[kou]: agkaaashiii??? hello</p>
  <p>[kou]: are YOU COMING TO MY GAME!!!</p>
  <p>[kou]: i am so excited!!!!</p>
  <p>[kou]: i miss u already!! i know its only been a few days but:(</p>
  <p>[kou]: your coming here!!!!:D</p>
  <p><strong>[you]:</strong> Bokuto-san please, I need formal approval from your PR team before I can make any plans, and this is a work trip. I'll only be there for a day and we're operating under a strict schedule.</p>
  <p>[kou]: ill tell my team that i have to do this interview!!!</p>
  <p>[kou]: i get to be interviewd by my bf, i am so luckyyy</p>
  <p>[kou]: hey hey HEY u cant just stay one day, tokyo is sooo far</p>
  <p>[kou]: stay the night with me pls:(</p>
  <p><strong>[you]:</strong> You know I can't, Bokuto-san. I'll be with my boss, he won't appreciate staying an extra night without good reason.</p>
  <p>[kou]: but!!! cow tongue!!!</p>
  <p>[kou]: they have the best restaurants here that sell them super fancy loook</p>
  <p>
    <em>[attached image]</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>[attached image]</em>
  </p>
  <p>[kou]: and kokubunchoooo!</p>
  <p>
    <em>[attached image]</em>
  </p>
  <p>[kou]: look how pretty</p>
  <p>[kou]: i wanna go there with u:(</p>
  <p>[kou]: please please:( ill plan everything u like</p>
  <p><strong>[you]:</strong> Bokuto-san, if it were up to me I would not object to spending more time with you. I'd stay with you if I could...</p>
  <p>[kou]: 🥺🥺🥺</p>
  <p><strong>[you]:</strong> I'll talk to Udai-san.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>They take the first train out, it's 6 am when they meet on the platform. Udai holds a venti overpriced cup of coffee, an indulgent but necessary purchase, Akaashi eyes the cup wearingly.</p><p>You have not finished your work yet, he stares accusingly, Udai gulps. It's a silent battle between them, he can feel the exasperation radiate from the younger man. To Udai's defense, it's not his fault he was momentarily distracted by volleyball videos, he had to research to prepare for today’s match. It just so happened that one video led to another, and another, until he fell into a rabbit hole of serves, receives, and spikes.</p><p>He could work on the train, he silently conveys. Akaashi wants to comment but wills himself to give the mangaka the benefit of the doubt.</p><p>When Udai feels less disdain from his younger companion, he takes a moment to study Akaashi. The editor is surprisingly put together for a 6 am departure, well-dressed and composed. They weren't strangers to each other's state of disarray, being frequent companions during overtime and ungodly shifts. But Akaashi looks like he's had a respectable amount of sleep, he's wearing coordinated attire and a good coat, much more prepared than Udai is.</p><p>He also takes note of the younger man's backpack, a substitute from the usual messenger bag he brings to the office. It's not a notable change, easily dismissible if it weren't for the texts he's received prior.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>[Akaashi-san]: Good evening, Udai-san. In consideration of our trip, it might be advisable for us to stay the night in Sendai to avoid a crowded commute going back to Tokyo.</p>
  <p>[Akaashi-san]: Luckily for us, the area we are visiting is known for having delectable cow tongue and the nightlife in Kokubuncho is said to be worth the trip.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>He had replied a quick, sure okay, to the texts, half asleep and too distracted to fully comprehend the message. In the morning, when he had had reread its contents, it struck him how uncharacteristic it was for his editor to request a night out. The younger man had never shown outward enthusiasm for their office get togethers, but maybe he really liked cow tongue? Nonetheless, Udai had packed a spare shirt and underwear in the event they find themselves staying the night.</p><p>Their train arrives and they easily find a place to settle. They sit across one another, Akaashi's backpack snug underneath the seat, while Udai unfolds a tray to set his makeshift workstation. The silence is comforting.</p><p>Akaashi is on the road to completing his sixth month within the company, a milestone that will bring about regularization and secured employment benefits. Udai is proud of the younger man, who has shown flexibility and grit within their workplace. It's no small feat, adapting to a new environment while mastering the material Udai had spent years creating in mere months, but Akaashi has made good of his promise and it has brought him far.</p><p>The train has reached a rhythm, the scenery passes in a blur of colors, it's surreal to feel like you’re moving forward while remaining still.</p><p>"You're distracted, Udai-san," his editor calls his attention, his frown says, I should have expected this.</p><p>"Just taking a break Akaashi-san," Udai holds his hands up in defense, underneath the pages, Sato stares at him mockingly. His characters are in no better position, a horde is coming their way as they struggle to break through a window, it's a horrid moment to keep them on hold.</p><p>I am sorry, Udai silently tells his characters, but their state of inanimacy makes them unable to reply; he directs his attention towards the living.</p><p>"Do you attend a lot of volleyball games, Akaashi?" It's a simple question to ask, an ice breaker of sorts.</p><p>"I guess I do," Akaashi ponders, "Three of my former teammates have gone pro so my high school team regularly supports their matches."</p><p>"It must be nice," Udai muses, "to be so close to your high school friends, it's quite hard when you live so far away."</p><p>Akaashi nods in reply, he knows he's lucky to see his friends consistently. There's the challenge of having to coordinate with three players regularly going on away games, but the frequency of these matches keeps them in close contact.</p><p>"Do you miss it, Udai-san?" Akaashi has taken the time to google his boss, not extensively, just his name plus the word volleyball, but the number of resulting articles was unexpected.</p><p>"Not exactly, no." Udai answers, "Missing it would mean wanting to be out there, but it's been a long time since I've wanted to be on court." He looks at his current work, the zombies outnumber the heroes, a dozen to one, it's terrifying but it fills him with glee.</p><p>"Not to say I don't still like it," he adds, "you can't stop liking something you once let consume you. I don’t think I'd be myself if I didn’t feel<em> something</em> for volleyball."</p><p>Akaashi listens to Udai but sees himself. He can relate with the sentiment, his days on the court are long gone, nothing more than wishful memories on nostalgic nights. But he still felt something for the sport- the pull of the court, the familiar smell of air salonpas, and an understanding that he once belonged there too.</p><p>"I tried to stay away from it once, when I started college," Udai suddenly bares himself raw, "I didn't want to abandon something I've worked on for years, just to realize that it was what I wanted all along."</p><p>This elicits a different emotion from Akaashi, an uncomfortable and gripping sensation. He remembers Bokuto on their last tournament; the realization that it would be their last time standing on the court together. He is reminded of another time, when Bokuto first visited him in his college dorm; the awareness that this, whatever it was, would be forever.</p><p>"But I think it’s good, the emotions it makes you feel," Udai chuckles, "for other people it's just a sport, but if you've been on the court you know it's everything."</p><p>Everything, Akaashi's mind echoes back, everything from the discipline to hone your body, the grit to master a new move, a consuming hunger for victory.</p><p>"It's fun," Akaashi supplies, the word encompasses so much of what volleyball is, so much of what Bokuto is to him, "I find volleyball really fun."</p><p>It's nothing compared to the great wisdom Udai has shared, and if he knew more about Akaashi he would understand the gravity of the word. Fun reminds him of being a protagonist. Fun is the first successful straight, a gift from Akaashi's hands to his ace's. Fun is how his life has been ever since he accepted that volleyball went beyond the court and into the crevices of his heart.</p><p>"I like fun," Udai acknowledges, as if Akaashi’s heart is bare too. And even without full context, Akaashi feels exposed.</p><p> </p><p>The train continues its steady journey, they are four hours in, and the sun has comfortably risen to coat the landscape in its glow. Akaashi has an earbud in and listens to modern instrumentals, he saves his favorites to send to Bokuto.</p><p>Udai is back to working, Akaashi has the half-consumed venti drink to thank. The mangaka has his tongue sticking out, eyebags prominent, hunched uncomfortably- it's a worthy battle position. The silence is once again broken.</p><p>"I am kinda scared really," Udai admits, he drinks the last of his coffee.</p><p>"Did you... draw something that's frightening you?" Akaashi tentatively asks, it's unheard of at this point, but maybe his boss was starting to hallucinate from the caffeine.</p><p>"No, of course not," he squawks, "We are getting close to the game."</p><p>"We're not the ones playing," Akaashi reminds, although his heart picks up in anticipation. He looks forward to seeing Bokuto play live, the Adlers are worthy opponents, but it’s no longer his place to worry.</p><p>"I know but, the closer we get, the more excited I feel," Udai grips his heart, he might be palpitating a tad too much. "It's scary to feel so much all over again, I feel like I am in high school."</p><p>If I were in high school, I'd be out there, Akaashi doesn't say. But if this were high school, he would feel the same way.</p><p>It is uncomfortable to be struck with so many feelings at the same time. Akaashi can't fathom how his boss, former ace and volleyball trailblazer, would feel seeing a generation of players live out his former dreams.</p><p>Akaashi is feeling a tad too much too, things he wishes not to divulge, at least not to his boss of six months, so instead he says,</p><p>"Today will be another opportunity to face our fears head on."</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>[you]:</strong> Udai-san and I have arrived.</p>
  <p>[kou]: agkaaaashiiii</p>
  <p>[kou]: i am going to play extra hard for u today!!! watch me:D</p>
  <p><strong>[you]:</strong> Good luck, love.</p>
  <p><strong>[you]:</strong> ❤</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>Several rallies into the match, Udai notes that Akaashi is smiling. The younger man has always been friendly, albeit a bit restrained; he was hardly the type to wear his emotions on his sleeve. The smile had peaked out from the corners of his lips following the line-up announcement and miraculously stayed throughout the match.</p><p>It’s comforting to see his editor unwind. In the six months of working together, this is the most he’s seen of Akaashi unrestricted, if the periodic giggles were anything to go by.</p><p>The match is progressing well, both teams put up a formidable front. He observes their subject, Bokuto Koutarou, entice the crowd into a cheer. Like magnets, they eagerly respond, fans of all ages holding the same level of enthusiasm for one player, how rare.</p><p>He must be well loved to retain Akaashi’s attention, the mangaka notes fondly. It’s hard not to miss how attuned Akaashi is to the player’s actions, seen in the subtle way he shifts his body, not to follow the ball, but to watch him move.</p><p>Bokuto rises several feet upwards and suddenly, the ball is right before him, in one strong swoop he slams it down- a straight!</p><p><em>Bokuto beam</em>, the crowd roars, finger guns up. The player turns to point back, Udai notices Akaashi’s hands twitch.</p><p>Oh, he’s shy, Udai thinks. It’s times like this Udai wishes that the younger man would drop the preconceived formality between them. Although office hierarchy dictates a certain level of respect and boundaries, Udai has grown to view Akaashi as a partner and wishes that the latter would be more comfortable.</p><p>“Bokuto is really amazing, huh?” Udai offers, extending an olive branch. His companion freezes ever so slightly, like a child caught with their hands in the cookie jar.</p><p>“Yes, he is wonderful,” the editor replies softy. The tips of his ears glow a faint red, how odd.</p><p>Udai knows this is far from Akaashi’s first game. The editor had seamlessly led them through the throngs of people to find their seats, he knew where to find the bathroom and merchandise, and to buy Onigiri Miya before they had sold out.</p><p>Akaashi knows all the players by name but refers to them intimately. Udai has heard an <em>Omi-kun, Tsum Tsum, Shouyou</em>, mumbled in between rallies. He does well to hide it when Udai thinks to ask, but the familiarity is unmistakable.</p><p>Bokuto leaps and soars once again, this time in an unbashful showcase of athletic prowess, he manages to spike the ball, backwards! The stadium eats it up, Bokuto is unstoppable!</p><p>“That setter, Miya, he knows him well,” Udai finds himself saying. Miya has been fully able to utilize his arsenal of spikers, it does well with the points, and even better with the crowd.</p><p>The rally is still ongoing so Udai doesn’t expect an answer but when he looks to his companion something registers in Akaashi’s eyes. There’s a mix of emotion- nostalgia, yearning, resignation, but also pride; it’s complicated and raw, it makes Udai feel privy to something personal.</p><p>Akaashi’s fingers are entangled, a bad habit of his, but the way he pulls at his fingers shows restraint, as if the man wanted so badly to be on court. It’s a yearning Udai himself is familiar with, but what triggers Akaashi is foreign. He wants to ask, why exactly are we here, and also, why are you so afraid?</p><p>All at once, the spell is broken, Ushijima from the Adlers end their winning streak, it’s the other side’s turn to cheer.</p><p>“Bokuto is in good form today,” Akaashi notes offhandedly, he looks different again, like a spectator, a small part of a whole. They both are, in a crowd of thousands cheering, it’s naïve to think one could change the outcome of a game.</p><p>“Yes, he is,” how would you know, he wants to ask, but that would be too personal.</p><p>Udai continues to enjoy the match. He likes the crowd, the noise, and the stadium, it’s a sensation that feels familiar but far away. Today he doesn’t feel the weight of what he has given up, rather a gratitude that time has permitted for him to enjoy this wholeheartedly. He doesn’t see himself in Hinata, or that other player, Hoshiumi, they are them and he is himself; just like the world intended.</p><p>It’s humbling to be able to offer something you love, to tell the world, thank you for the memories, and to gift back what has been gifted to you. Volleyball will always make him feel something, and that something will always make him feel strange, but never uncomfortable.</p><p>It’s this something that makes him want to pull out a sketch pad and pour his soul onto its pages. He wants to decode these feelings, give them shape and reason, he wants to be fully consumed once again.</p><p>Amid a crowd, as an individual whose actions bare little consequence, Udai wants nothing more than to return to what he does best- bringing imagination to life. It’s the peace of mind he’s always longed for.</p><p>Looking at his companion, he can tell that the younger man is watching a different match. For Udai, he looks at the plays and the individual players, for Akaashi, he fixates on just one.</p><p>There is a moment, after a failed spike, and a triumphant recovery, that Akaashi’s legs take control and push him off his seat. He is the only who stands during that play, a shinning speck in the middle of the chaos. His eyes are firm, his shoulders steady, he doesn’t make a sound.</p><p>
  <em>World, look at our ace.</em>
</p><p>He doesn’t say with words, but the intention is clear. It’s a crowd of thousands and only Udai is subjected to the display, it is enough.</p><p>Volleyball is everything, Udai thinks back to their conversation on the train, but there are things that went beyond the court and this was just one.</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>Bokuto comes home from his one-week training camp baring praises and gifts. He does well on his promise of a celebratory dinner, the two indulge in a fancy hotel buffet that prided itself in serving over a dozen different cuisines; Akaashi tries not to think of the bill.</p><p>Once they’re stuffed and tipsy on the complimentary wine, they make their way towards Akaashi’s shitty studio apartment. The defamatory word comes from his own mouth.</p><p>There, they become reacquainted towards each other, soft kisses and touches easily become greedy as the two bridge the gap created by time. They’re on the couch and Akaashi is kissing him recklessly before Bokuto pulls away.</p><p>Akaashi immediately groans and reaches to pull him back, Bokuto rejects the offer with a chuckle, “Wait love, I am not done yet.”</p><p>Akaashi begrudgingly sits and reaches for his glasses while his boyfriend fishes for something in his bag. Bokuto is notoriously untidy, hence the search is a tad too long, it makes his boyfriend impatient.</p><p>“Easy there,” Bokuto calls, back towards him but acute to his boyfriend’s feelings, “I’ve got something for you.” He turns around, a medium sized paper bag in his hands.</p><p>Akaashi immediately straightens, his mind no longer drunk on alcohol and love, he is hyperaware of the logo on said paper bag. Bokuto sits beside him, reaches to entangle their fingers, can he feel his pulse pick up.</p><p>“I got you a gift,” he explains, “a congratulations for the new job and something to remember me by.” Bokuto’s smile is so earnest, his gold eyes hold a childish elation, as if he were the one receiving a present.   </p><p>Akaashi already knows what’s in the bag, it doesn’t prepare him to see it. He picks out a medium sized box and opens it carefully, revealing a silver and regal watch.</p><p>He prays he doesn’t see diamonds; the face is dark blue, a nice contrast from the silver band. The design is exquisite, elegant numbers curving around the center, thin silver lines pointing at the numbers, a small additional face at the bottom for contrast. It’s classic and beautiful, it doesn’t belong around a newly graduate’s wrist.</p><p>Akaashi feels overwhelmed, they could have eaten at the hotel for two whole months, or paid a quarter’s worth of rent, instead, the value sits on Akaashi’s wrist.</p><p>Bokuto is still emanating excitement, he keeps looking at the watch, then at Akaashi’s face, then back at the watch, as if trying to will the two together. It’s this excitement that completely blinds him to the storm in Akaashi’s mind.</p><p>“I-I don’t know what to say,” Akaashi starts tentatively, he’s afraid to pull it out of the box, like it could consume his wrist whole.</p><p>“Say that you’ll wear it, I know it’s what people wear to the office,” Bokuto offers, that advice had been given to him by the team’s management staff. Lisa-chan, their assistant manager, had told him that it was a staple to her husband’s office attire.  </p><p>Akaashi feels unsettled, this could possibly be the most expensive thing in his apartment, save for Bokuto’s estimated net value. He could not show up to work baring such luxurious item, people will <em>talk</em>.  </p><p>“You’re supposed to remove it from the box silly!” Bokuto chimes in, already taking the box from his hands and pulling the watch out, it does not consume his wrist. He turns the item around to presumably fasten around Akaashi but stops.</p><p>“I wanted you to remember me so,” he gestures towards the back of the base to reveal a secret message,</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>my world – bk &amp; ak</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Sentimentality, Akaashi’s mind registers, because of course his boyfriend took the liberty of customizing the <em>most expensive gift ever</em> in the spirit of being the <em>sweetest person ever</em>. Logic would dictate that the engraving may decrease its monetary value while exponentially increasing its sentimental value; it’s a lot for Akaashi’s heart to handle.</p><p>Akaashi doesn’t know which will end him first, the front or the back of the watch. The front overwhelms him to a fault but the back hits just as hard; he’s unbelievably in love with his boyfriend, he wants the world to know.</p><p>“Put it on me please,” he requests, because he has to know it’s real. He has to know that if he’ll be wearing such an item on display, the implications of their love, although hidden, will be a regular on his pulse.</p><p>Bokuto takes care to bring the band around him and snap it in place, it’s a few centimeters too big and the weight is foreign, but Akaashi doesn’t allow anything to ruin this moment.  </p><p>“Thank you,” he breathes out, they’re holding each other’s hands, Bokuto’s palms are the easiest things he’s ever had to hold.</p><p>It’s overwhelming and scary, the looming reality that they are still so far away from one another, even if Bokuto likes to pretend they aren’t. That’s why the distance between their housing is necessary, that’s why Bokuto had gifted him a watch even though the athlete had been looking at bigger apartment spaces.</p><p>It’s a compromise between them, Bokuto giving way to Akaashi’s boundaries while the latter controlled his overthinking to give their relationship a fair ground to thrive. It takes all of Akaashi’s mental strength to focus less on the watch and more on his boyfriend’s thoughtfulness. He would have proudly accepted any trinket from a <em>gachapon </em>and worn it with gusto.</p><p>But this is my life, Akaashi reassures himself. He pulls his boyfriend from the couch and leads them towards the bedroom, this he can control.</p><p>In the morning, he shyly slides a spare key across the table. The smile Bokuto gives him is priceless.</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>The match ends and Akaashi once again leads them across the labyrinth of the stadium and into the venue of their interview. Udai is excited to meet the infamous Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi had assured him on the train that the athlete was kind and excitable, but surely someone who played like that could afford a bit of an ego.</p><p>The door opens and they both stand instinctively, there he is. Bokuto, fresh from a quick meet-and-greet, makes his way. Udai extends a hand to greet him, which he takes without hesitation. Firm grip, eye contact, a friendly smile, Udai has nothing to worry about.</p><p>Then Bokuto turns to Akaashi and something passes between them. Akaashi has his hand held out and Bokuto is inspecting this like an alien object, his watch catches the light.</p><p>“Hey there, Agkaashi,” he takes his hand, only Bokuto would dare butcher his boyfriend’s name in front of his boss.</p><p>Everything that proceeds after is strange but not uncomfortable. Udai finds that Bokuto is a fan of cow tongue too, Akaashi stutters (slightly, but the occurrence was practically unheard of), and the two talk about being normal (Udai seriously doubts there is anything normal about them).</p><p>The interview flows smoothly save from instances they go off tangent, nothing he can’t edit out. What surprises Udai is the content of the interview, normally the celebrity in question would answer their inquires and launch into a narration until the topic was over exhausted. Bokuto was different, he’d answer their question but leave it open ended to ask for Akaashi’s input.</p><p>When asked about his performance on today’s game, he’d answer that he was feeling focused and put-together, but what did Akaashi think of the straight he did?</p><p>When asked about his time in the Olympics, Bokuto detailed the hardships of their training and the thrill of competing against foreign teams but added that he brought home some snacks which Akaashi enjoyed.</p><p>In a surprising development, Akaashi is successfully baited. Affirming Bokuto’s athleticism and performance, complimenting him on his grit but also on his food selection. Akaashi also does not hesitate to correct Bokuto’s instances of self-depiction, they were not allowed to call him ‘moody’ or ‘hard to handle’, even though they were his own words.</p><p>“I do my best to get into the zone, I really need to calm myself down before games or else I feel a BOOM,” Bokuto animatedly states.</p><p>The confusion on Udai’s face is palpable, so Akaashi quickly interjects, “He means that he has a pre-game routine to keep him focused throughout the match.” Akaashi doesn’t say that they had developed the routine together.</p><p>“What inspires you while you play?” Udai figures it’s a safe question, a chance for Bokuto to talk about his love for the sport.</p><p>“My inspiration, I-,” Bokuto stops and stares at the editor in front of him, Akaashi doesn’t meet his eye. Bokuto wrestles with his chair, he sits on it backwards and hugs the headrest a bit tighter, as if restraining himself from reaching over.</p><p>Udai watches the scene unfold, Akaashi’s ears are tingling the same shade of red as before, and Bokuto’s cheeks start to match. There is a tension in the room, one that was absent a few seconds ago, what had happened?</p><p>“I think about the people I love while I play,” comes Bokuto’s answer, “I think about the people who’ve supported me- family, friends, teammates, those who never gave up on me.” It’s a predictable answer, it doesn’t explain why it took him so long to state.</p><p>“I really like volleyball, it’s really fun. But it’s only fun because some people made is possible for me to enjoy my time on court, I am really lucky.”</p><p>Fun, Udai thinks, where had he heard that sentiment?</p><p>Silence settles in the interview room and it’s the first time Akaashi doesn’t add to the conversation. There is something in the air, something Udai doesn’t think he’ll be able to understand within his lifetime.</p><p>“Let’s change the pace here,” he offers good naturedly, “Tell us, Bokuto, what are you afraid of?”</p><p>It’s a subtle chance to promote Zombie Knight Zom’bish, which Bokuto has revealed to be a fan of during the start of their interview. It was surprising because he hardly seemed like the type to enjoy horror manga, but the athlete claimed to have read every single volume.</p><p>“Can I be featured in your manga, Udai-san?” Bokuto asks enthusiastically, he chuckles in response, “Unless you want to appear as a zombie, I am afraid it’s too late to write you in.” But you might appear in another manga, Udai doesn’t say, but the gears are already turning.</p><p>“Whenever me and Tsum-Tsum try to cook in our dorm, Omi-kun threatens to disinfect our bodies while we sleep,” Bokuto states gravely, “I am afraid of drowning in cleaning supplies, Omi-kun can be really scary when he’s mad.”</p><p>Udai laughs good naturedly, banter between teammates always made interesting news, “Do you think Sakusa-san will try to dispose of your bodies, won't your teammates miss you?”</p><p>“My disciple, Shou-kun, will definitely notice if I go missing! And so will my family, and-“ Bokuto stops himself, “People will absolutely notice if I go missing.”</p><p>“You’re quite a fan favorite, Bokuto-san, I am sure the world will notice if you go missing,” Udai offers, but he notes the shift in the athlete’s mood.</p><p>“The world has too many things to worry about,” he states somberly, and Akaashi shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Bokuto adds a necessary disclaimer to state that <em>all</em> his teammates were harmless and that they quite enjoyed living together.</p><p>“What are you afraid of most, zombies, monsters, or ghosts?”</p><p>“I am not really afraid of anything like that,” Bokuto ponders, “like it’d be scary to see one but also really cool, I can tell my friends- yes, I’ve seen something weird but I must be really special to get that chance.”</p><p>Udai nods in response, the answer is consistent with Bokuto’s demeanor. So, he tries again, “So what does the great Bokuto Koutarou truly fear?”</p><p>In an instant, a sense of fragility is in the air; Udai would take back the question if he could. But Bokuto hunches to meet their eyes, as if delivering a secret, he says,</p><p>“Running out of time.”</p><p>He hadn’t been looking at Udai.</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>Bokuto insists that Udai join them for dinner, citing cow tongue superiority over unsatisfying train food. Udai hesitates but agrees, provided that he will immediately leave after. Which brings them here, in the hallway, waiting for Bokuto to pack up.</p><p>“Bokuto Koutarou fears neither the world nor zombies! What a good title,” Udai exclaims, Akaashi hums in agreement. There is still a sense of awkwardness looming from the interview, one that Udai graciously does not bring up.</p><p>Akaashi appears unbothered but inside his worries spiral. From being blatantly unprofessional, to causing tensions between his boss, secret boyfriend, and himself- he thoroughly regrets this initiative.</p><p>“Oh Akaashi-kun, good to see you here,”</p><p>The two turn to see Shugo Meian, Black Jackals Captain, coming from the hallway Bokuto disappeared to.</p><p>“Nice to see you too, Captain-san,” Akaashi replies, “and congratulations on today’s victory.”</p><p>Meian scratches his neck fondly, “We played well, I am very proud,” and in a teasing tone he adds, “I am sure your presence motivated a certain player of ours.”</p><p>It’s not the first time Akaashi has been subjected to teasing, the older players have noted his frequent attendance over the years and have drawn their assumptions. But now, in front of Udai-san, Akaashi wishes to sink into the ground.</p><p>“It was a good game, everyone was at their peak,” he answers neutrally, willing the conversation to end. Thankfully, Meian acknowledges his sentiments, thanks them once again, and departs.</p><p>What was that? Udai doesn’t ask, he can sense the editor’s discomfort, like a child caught stealing a treat. The team’s captain knows him by name, it’s no coincidence.  </p><p>“Hey hey hey there!” a voice calls from the other side, “I am ready to go, let’s get some meat!”</p><p>Udai doesn’t get the chance to ask.</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>The atmosphere in the restaurant is less tense, between the thirty-minute train ride and excitedly googling directions, the exchanges have become more casual.</p><p>Bokuto is almost unrecognizable, he sports a black athletic jacket over a non-conspicuous shirt and jeans combo, his hair, not in its usual spikes, is underneath a cap.</p><p>Gotta remain hidden, he explains, the PR team had strict protocols after games to avoid lurking fans.</p><p>Underneath the getup, he is still the same earnest and happy athlete, excitedly ushering them into a booth and ordering their first round of meat. Udai sits across Akaashi and Bokuto, a grill in between them.</p><p>The cow tongue is delectable, certainly worth the trip. Bokuto orders multiple meals with the reassurance the it will be his treat. Udai tries to deny his generosity but the athlete insists that it's to commemorate their trip to Sendai.</p><p>The conversation flows naturally, Bokuto asks about his life as a mangaka, Udai inquires about their high school life, they joke about the trivial aspects of high school volleyball.</p><p> </p><p>On the other side of the table, Akaashi finds himself slowly letting his guard down. They are away from dangerous territory, the food is a welcomed distraction, and Bokuto’s disguise seems to be working. He’s on his third cup of rice when he feels a hand on his knee.</p><p>The hand just lays there, not moving, but ever present. A subtle reminder, hey I am here, a nod to the fact that they have yet to touch since seeing each other. It’s only been a few days, the season will be long, but Akaashi already misses him.</p><p>Slowly Bokuto moves his thumb, up and down, to stroke Akaashi’s knee. The touch is purely innocent, but it fills Akaashi’s heart with yearning. Here he is, so close yet so far, while Udai, unaware of their actions, talks about his volleyball mishaps.</p><p>Akaashi moves his leg to press against Bokuto’s, knee against knee, thigh against thigh; the need to feel his partner is strong.</p><p>Bokuto subtly hooks their ankles together, their limbs stay connected. They know to angle their bodies to appear a respectable distance.</p><p>It feels dangerous, but Akaashi has been very selfish lately.</p><p>He brings his hand down to meet Bokuto’s, it curls around his palm. Until, Bokuto flips his hand to let their fingers properly intertwine.</p><p>It’s not a lot to ask for, the luxury of being able to hold his boyfriend’s hand in public, to not risk the judgement of prying eyes; to be able to do so without guilt. It’s not a lot, so why does Akaashi feel so selfish.</p><p>He’s hyper focused on where they touch, he knows that if he allows himself more, they will be noticed. He follows Udai’s eyes, looks for signs of recognition.</p><p>Sometimes it overwhelms Akaashi, how a love that comes so easy can be so hard. He has every intention of holding onto Bokuto’s hands for the rest of their lives, but its moments like this where the metaphorical weight threatens the future he so desperately wants.</p><p>It’s just hand holding, why does it have to pose a threat to their careers? Why does Akaashi feel the need to justify, to himself and to the world, the root of his selfishness.</p><p>“Akaashi, you’ve stopped eating,” Udai interrupts. He looks at Akaashi with concern, he can probably see the edges of his eyes blurring. Akaashi had given up his dominant hand for their secret hand holding, he hasn’t eaten in a while.</p><p>“Let me take care of that,” Bokuto moves to add meat to his plate, his dominant hand holding the chopsticks. Akaashi analyzes if he appears too eager, if he leans in too close; but Udai doesn’t say anything. Their eyes meet, Akaashi doesn’t know what to make of him.</p><p>He frees his grip from underneath his table, picks up his chopsticks and continues to eat. He no longer tastes the richness of the beef; the back of his throat feels salty.</p><p>Their knees are still pressed underneath the table, the world is non the wiser. Akaashi already grieves the lost of contact. Greedy, he tells himself.</p><p>Udai looks at Akaashi and gestures to his watch, “It’s about time I head back.”</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>Bokuto waits a block away as Akaashi accompanies Udai to the train station. They talk about their work schedule and his impending deadlines; Akaashi promises to pick up the drafts upon his arrival.</p><p>“Are you sure you don’t need assistance, I can work with you tonight,” he halfheartedly asks, the mangaka shakes his head.</p><p>“You’ve been working hard, Akaashi-kun, take the night off.”</p><p>Akaashi wants to refuse, he wants to apologize for something. For the awkwardness of their interview, for his hidden meltdown during dinner, for planning a trip that was clearly a conflict of interest.</p><p>“It’s okay,” Udai tells him.</p><p>“It’s okay,” he repeats again, and holds Akaashi’s gaze.</p><p><em>I am a mangaka, words are your thing</em>, Udai wants to say. From the volleyball match to dinner, he has long decided that he doesn’t need all the answers. He won’t be learning the full history between the two in one night, he won’t understand the language they speak from one conversation. It doesn’t matter.</p><p>There was clearly something special between the two, something they wished to keep sacred, and Udai had enough respect to give them space.</p><p><em>It was insensitive of me to ask about fears</em>, he thinks belatedly, because for them, fear went beyond imagination and manifested into something very real.</p><p>Udai wants to apologize too, less about today, and more about the world. But his pity would be an empty consolation and it’s not the message he wants to deliver.</p><p><em>You have nothing to fear</em>, he wishes to say instead. It’s not reassurance against the world but a promise that they have an ally within their space. Instead he settles for,</p><p>“You’re a good man, Akaashi-kun, you deserve good things,” it’s not what his editor is expecting. “You and Bokuto-san, both deserve good things.”</p><p>Udai knows Akaashi wants to deny the sentiment, maybe brush it off good naturedly. It’s what he’s prepared for, they have work tomorrow and will be together for the forceable future, there is no need to force a revelation tonight.</p><p>It’s okay, he’ll wait. It may take his editor years to truly trust him, but it takes years to develop a good manga; Udai is a man of patience.</p><p>“Thank you, Udai-san,” Akaashi responds. The smile the mangaka gives him is reassuring, it leaves no room for apologies or explanations, today, it’s enough.</p><p>The train arrives and Udai waves at him from the window, back to Tokyo he goes.</p><p>Akaashi has been an editor for six months, still mourning the loss of his dream occupation eight months prior. Today, he finds himself loving his job a bit more.</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>They go to Bansuisodo, the site of poet Bansui Doi’s last residence, now a literary museum. It’s a short walk away from the heart of Kokubuncho, a destination for tourists and history enthusiasts. Bokuto had insisted that they visit the poet’s house while they were in the area.</p><p>“You’ll love it ‘Kaashi, he’s a writer just like you!” he excitedly proclaims, and Akaashi doesn’t say that he’s an editor <em>not </em>a writer. He was a literature student, less than a year fresh from graduation, he used to spend every waking moment writing; it feels far away.</p><p>Akaashi appreciates his beloved’s enthusiasm and effort to encourage his interests, but he rather they find a motel, or a private café, or explore the nearby nightlife; any place to release his pent-up tension.</p><p>Instead, they explore the gardens of a traditional Japanese home, they take photos with the calligraphy pieces, and venture into the poet’s bedroom. The estate is huge and the floors creak as they walk, a whole haven for one man.</p><p>“Have you read any of their works?” Bokuto asks, and Akaashi shakes his head. It’s wrong to assume that he’s tackled all Japanese authors of interest in college, there were simply too many to count. Besides, Bansui had been a scholar of English literature and adored mostly in Sendai.</p><p>This does not deter Bokuto, who gasps and points at the printed poetry, and tries to ask for Akaashi’s input.</p><p>The sun begins to completely set, dark shadows more prominent in every corner. The house feels bigger and much more desolated.</p><p>“It’s beginning to get kinda creepy, we should have taken Udai-san here,” Bokuto remarks.</p><p>“It’s an old, empty estate, not paranormal in the slightest,” Akaashi supplies, “It’s a victim of age but I am sure the poet Bansui loved his home dearly.” They turn around and make their way towards the exit.</p><p>“It must have been sad though, living in such a big place all alone,” Bokuto looks at the bare bedrooms and untouched furniture, it looks lonely.</p><p>“Some merely value their space for it gives them time to think,” Akaashi’s feet creak against the floors, “being alone is not always associated with loneliness.”</p><p>“If we live in a big house like this, I would never see you, I’ll be lonely.”</p><p>Akaashi momentarily falters in his step, he recovers, “I am sure you’d enjoy having this much space over tiny, overpriced, Tokyo apartments.”</p><p>“Is that what you feel?” Bokuto asks him, “Would you enjoy the space?”</p><p>Akaashi would very much prefer the space, any place would be an improvement from his current living conditions. What they have is small and intimate, they exist on his couch, or on top of his single bed. If they were to own an estate, they would have a larger space to simply exist, to be themselves fully.</p><p>Home is a person, not a place, but is it too selfish for Akaashi to want a private space to be. To have a dwelling free of gossiping neighbors or paparazzi, to come home without fear.</p><p>Perhaps the poet had his own reasons for securing his space, Akaashi would do anything to have the same luxury; he doesn’t tell Bokuto.</p><p>They reach the museum’s end and venture into the streets. Akaashi would like to find a space to breathe, he takes Bokuto’s hand and leads him into the night.</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>Kokubuncho, the center of Sendai’s nighttime entertainment, infamously known for their izakaya pubs, karaoke rooms, and overpriced booze. For the locals, it’s common to grab a drink after a long day of work, businessmen mix with the younger crowd, happy and delirious.</p><p>But Akaashi knows what type of establishment he wishes to find. He grabs onto Bokuto’s hand and leads them through the crowd, it’s dark and people are merry, they are not afraid of being seen. They pass neon lights and venture into the red-light district, the air is static, they thrive.</p><p>This is not the first gay club they have been to together. They’ve ventured into Tokyo nightlife with trusted friends, into the arms of people who do not judge. It’s not explicit, it’s about knowing what to look for; the bouncer gives a nod to enter.</p><p>The club is filled with chatter, loud music, and the smell of alcohol. The darkness is contrasted by the rainbow lights that travel through the walls, into the crowd, and against dancing bodies. A famous pop song is playing, and the DJ encourages the crowd to lose control, they bang their heads in unison.</p><p>Bokuto leads them to the bar, he has his arms around Akaashi’s waist and possessively keeps him close; Akaashi relishes the touch. They order drinks, strong enough for a good time, sweet enough to be enjoyable. Akaashi raises his glass, they drown it in one go.</p><p>There’s no shame in indulging in night time activities. Akaashi has thoroughly enjoyed his university life and Bokuto is no stranger to parties. They have a few more drinks, Bokuto pulls him close, and finally, finally, his mouth is on his.</p><p>They’d be clumsy even without alcohol in their systems, the whole match, the whole night, has been leading up to their reunion. Bokuto still has his cap on, he holds Akaashi’s cheek close, his partner presses against him, urgently. No one stops to look at them, in this moment, they are no more than part of the crowd.</p><p>Akaashi could lose himself in the thrill of it, drag his beloved into the bathroom or onto the floor, shame be damned. But when Bokuto pulls away, he cheekily drowns his drink and gestures to the crowd.</p><p>“Dance with me, Keiji.”</p><p>Akaashi doesn’t need to be asked twice, he latches onto his partner and lets Bokuto take control. They dive right into the horde of bodies- elbows, hips, and hands mistakenly make contact, it’s exhilarating. Bokuto keeps his arms around Akaashi, they sway and move with the music.</p><p>It’s rare to be in the middle of a crowd and feel no consequences. Men and men, women and women, in between or without label, all just souls wanting to be themselves. It’s their space, their private estate, the little they had asked from the world and the little the world gave back.</p><p>It’s not a lot to ask for, to be able to dance without reservation. To be able to pull his beloved into a kiss, tongue and all, and have it not be questioned. Akaashi has his hands all over Bokuto’s chest, then back, then in a tight embrace.</p><p><em>Mine,</em> he tells the world.</p><p><em>Mine,</em> he tells himself.</p><p>They sway against the crowd; they do not know the song nor the lyrics. They make questionable choices, alcohol only partially to blame. Bokuto twists and turns him recklessly, he bends and moves to match. It’s a dance of desperation, of love, of no fear.</p><p>The song changes and the rhythm is slower, more deliberate. Bokuto presses against him urgently, they mend their bodies closer. Akaashi doesn’t know who initiates, but their lips connect again.</p><p>It’s reckless abandon, Bokuto practically lifts him up, he giggles into the kiss. Akaashi reaches to tangle his fingers into Bokuto’s hair, but it’s a slight oversight. He knocks the cap off, they both laugh, Bokuto sets him down gently.</p><p>The athlete bends to look for the discarded item, it’s dark and hard to see. But suddenly it’s there, right before him, a hand holds it out.</p><p>He reaches for his cap, turns to thanks the stranger but time freezes.</p><p>The man is just another face in the crowd, a nameless individual who may forget tonight. But his eyes immediately recognize the face before him, it’s unmistakable.</p><p>Akaashi sees the exchange and gazes onto the mystery man’s-</p><p> </p><p>MSBY Black Jackals T-shirt.</p><p> </p><p>He might have been wearing Atsumu’s number, or even Meian’s, but he’s undoubtedly a fan so he knows. Oh god, he knows.</p><p>“Thank you,” Bokuto’s voice is barely audible, time has frozen still. The crowd continues to blissfully move, but consequence has caught up to them.</p><p>The man opens his mouth and closes, there is no right thing to do. Bokuto grabs his cap and mutters his gratitude again, the stranger nods.</p><p>Akaashi feels the contents of his stomach travel upwards, he might hear a faint ringing at the back of his head. He’s aware of what has transpired, the ramifications of their foolishness. He wants to run away; he needs to breathe.</p><p>Bokuto turns to look at him but the damage is irreparable. Akaashi grabs his beloved’s wrist and drags them out of the nightclub.</p><p>It had been too much to ask for.</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>Somewhere in Tokyo, Udai Tenma completes his final draft for the next chapter of Zombie Knight Zom’bish. It had taken him hours to illustrate the vision he wished to see- Sato and Noriaki backed against a secret lab, an open air vent for their escape.</p><p>Between the two, they only have one gun. Logic dictates that one holds the zombies off to give the other a fair chance of survival. They have a future to save, humanity must be rebuilt for the world to prosper. They’re at a crossroad, sacrifice is unavoidable, it is a horror.</p><p>It’s a shocking twist, even for him, he had discussed a finale between the two but somehow got caught in the angst of it. His former editor, Nami-san, will be angry. His current editor-</p><p>Akaashi-san, he thinks, I am sorry for disregarding your feelings.</p><p>It will remain a cliff hanger, their readers will enjoy the suspense. Udai sets his pen down and breathes.</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>They find a love motel a block away. It’s also not their first time.</p><p>Akaashi composes himself enough to handle transacting with the front desk, he leaves Bokuto in the lobby with strict instructions to keep his head down. It’s not unheard of for athletes to find themselves in salacious affairs, but Akaashi would like to keep some semblance of peace within their lives.</p><p>It could end tomorrow, his mind whispers, the stranger- all he had to do is tell the press, sell their story to some trashy tabloid to make a quick buck. It could all end.</p><p>They’re given a key and a number. It’s an old elevator, the carpet floors have stains, and noises echo through the hall, but their room is clean and quaint- respectable, given the circumstance.</p><p>Akaashi sets his backpack down and gestures to the shower. It’s permission, not an invitation, which Bokuto acknowledges. He needs time to think, a space to rinse off the tears before they consume him.</p><p>Bokuto lays on the queen size bed and listens to the shower run. He’s had a long day and exhaustion is starting to creep in. But fear keeps him awake, not just at what had occurred, but at the thought that if he succumbed to slumber, he would wake up alone.</p><p>Running out of time, he had explained to Udai so simply, the possibility of the next game being the last, of his career ending abruptly, of his love in sudden jeopardy. He should have said ghosts, it would make for a better story.</p><p>Bokuto doesn’t know how long Akaashi stays in the bath, he changes into his own spare set of clothes, and contemplates their options.</p><p>In the back of his mind, Bokuto is deliriously optimistic that word won’t get out. The man was a fan, and not just that, a guest of that establishment himself- he would understand. They were bounded by their solidarity is sports and in, ahem, preferences, an unwritten code of arms.</p><p>He could be financially motivated or derive sick pleasure from ruining an athlete’s career, but it’s not Bokuto’s nature to assume the worst in people. His PR team would handle it, his fans will make their assumptions, and Akaashi-</p><p>Akaashi would worry, it was his self-appointed duty.</p><p>As if summoning the man, Akaashi leaves the bathroom in an old T-shirt and a pair of shorts, his eyes are bloodshot.</p><p>“Keiji -” he calls out but is cut off.</p><p>“We’ll have to deny it,” Akaashi says curtly, “they have no proof, no evidence that you were there. Have your PR team call it a tabloid conspiracy.”</p><p>His words ring true but Akaashi is clearly upset and withdrawing into himself. Bokuto has seen this before, it’s what Akaashi does when he’s trying to convince himself that what he wants doesn’t matter.</p><p>“You’re upset, Keiji, let’s talk about this,” Bokuto moves to pull him closer but Akaashi side steps away and sits at the corner of the bed; tentatively, Bokuto follows.</p><p>“Of course, I am upset, aren’t you? We were foolish tonight and it nearly caused us your reputation,” he tugs at his fingers.</p><p>“But we didn’t do anything wrong, love,” Bokuto tries to console, “and the man was there too, I am sure he understands-”</p><p>“Understands what?” Akaashi scoffs, “understands that you are the most popular volleyball player of our generation, adored by literal millions, and a scandal could ruin you. What could he understand, how hard you’ve worked, how it could all be over -”</p><p>“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Bokuto mentally curses, he knows that Akaashi’s overthinking can not be resolved by pointing out the fact, so he tries, “I mean, we don’t know what might happen, maybe it’ll turn out alright.”</p><p>Akaashi mutters something underneath his breath which Bokuto doesn’t catch. There is a crease in the middle of Akaashi’s brow, as if he were carrying the burden by himself; this annoys Bokuto more than it should.</p><p>“Are we always going to be like this?” he finds himself asking, the words don’t fully process until Akaashi looks at him with shock.</p><p>“Like what?” the editor asks numbly.</p><p>“Like this,” Bokuto gestures to the room, their general state of being, “always hiding, always afraid. We’ve been together forever; we shouldn’t have to keep living like this.”</p><p>Akaashi pinches the bridge of his nose and wills himself to calm. One, two, three- inhale, one, two, three- exhale.</p><p>“We live like this because you are being perceived by the world,” he feels like he’s talking to a child, “Your, and in return, our, actions have consequences, and these things can ruin everything you’ve worked hard to build.”</p><p>Bokuto doesn’t take Akaashi’s attitude lightly. It is rare that they fight, even rarer that Bokuto gets mad, but he feels so upset.</p><p>“You’re the one who cares about the world, ‘Kaashi,” he says dimly, “I only care about our family, friends, the team; just the people who matter.”</p><p>Bokuto knows it’s not the right thing to do, to insinuate that Akaashi cares too much. His beloved’s feelings were at times a great burden to himself, but Bokuto understands his heart. Akaashi’s feelings are his source of inspiration, writing, passions; a double-edged sword.</p><p>Today, Akaashi carries the weight of those feelings, seemingly on his own. His hands start to shake, the intensity scares them both.</p><p>“Did you ever stop to think,” he grits his teeth, “that I am afraid of what might happen to you?” Akaashi laughs with no humor, it sounds bitter. “Now is not the time to be ignorant, there are bad people out there. If you aren’t cautious, you’ll do something you’ll regret, and if we’re discovered you may never come back from this.”</p><p>“<em>I am may never come back from this?</em>” Bokuto barks back, “What about you, Keiji, where are you in all this?”</p><p>Akaashi falters, “I am trying to stop you from acting irrationally -”  </p><p>“I am not being rash,” he raises his voice, “this is the rest of our life!”</p><p>Our life, not mine nor his. Singular, not plural. Akaashi is silenced.</p><p>“You want to know the truth? I am scared too, Keiji,” Bokuto’s voice cracks, “It’s not just you, I think about these things too. I know how dangerous it is, how mean people are, I know how hard all of this is -”</p><p>A loud sniff, Akaashi stares helplessly as tears falls from his beloved’s eyes.</p><p>“I know about consequences, I am also afraid no one will ever accept us and that I’ll have to choose, or worst, I won’t get the chance to decide. It’s all scary to me, Keiji, I just try not to let it bother me because I know you’re always thinking about me - “</p><p>Akaashi opens his mouth to interject, but Bokuto is not done.</p><p>“Everything is scary but,” another loud sniff, “but did you ever think that I am more afraid of losing you?”</p><p> </p><p>It strikes Akaashi like lightening, the realization that his partner was coming undone.</p><p>“I am afraid that one day, you’ll wake up and realize that this is too much - that we aren’t worth fighting for. I am afraid you won’t be the person I come home to anymore. You’ll find someone else that makes you comfortable, someone that makes you happier.”</p><p>Akaashi’s lower lip starts to tremble, he wants to speak, helplessly deny Bokuto’s words, but nothing comes out.</p><p>“I am afraid that you’re already preparing for us to separate, that you’ll keep using my fame or reputation as justification to why we’re not meant to be,” Bokuto chokes on his tears, but wills himself to continue. “I am afraid that you’ve already decided that we’re not worth it and you’re just waiting for the world to confirm that.”</p><p>A stream of tears run down Bokuto’s cheeks, but he holds himself with dignity, a vulnerable man desperate to appear strong.</p><p>“I am afraid of a lot of things, Keiji,” he admits softy, “but if I lose you, I’ll never come back from that.”</p><p>Akaashi is stunned into silence, his own tears have long made an appearance, threading down his eyes uncontrollably. He feels blindsided by the intensity of Bokuto’s emotions, his own insecurity, something his partner has never said out loud.</p><p>“How long have you been feeling this way?” Because Akaashi needs to know, oh god, he needs to know how long Bokuto has been holding this in.</p><p>The orange glow of the old lamp inside their room does little to mask the hurt on Bokuto’s face. Against the shadows, in an unfamiliar backdrop, he looks older.</p><p>“The world is too big, Keiji,” he admits, “It’s too scary to care about it all. It’s impossible to care so much about everything- every fan, every little thing people have to say but-”  </p><p>He finally bridges the gap and reaches for Akaashi’s hand, he lets himself be held. They’re both trembling, but his palm is still the easiest thing Akaashi has ever had to hold.</p><p>“But I care about you, Keiji,” Bokuto smiles, tears and all, a contrast of emotions, “I love you so much, I don’t want you to be afraid anymore.”</p><p>Akaashi is aware that he tends to put Bokuto’s happiness before his own. It’s to his detriment because it leads to Bokuto feeling upset and reminding him that he deserves to be loved too. Accepting love is a concept Akaashi was uncomfortable with, until Bokuto came into his life and acted as a constant reminder.</p><p> </p><p> “Love, how long have you been feeling this way?” he asks again; he is so desperate to know.</p><p>There is no answer, just tears. When it starts to pour, Bokuto tries his best to rub them off quickly, but more keep coming so he keeps a palm over his eyes in a half-hearted attempt to hide. He starts to choke, until he breaks into a full-on sob, it breaks Akaashi’s heart.</p><p>Akaashi moves closer to brush the tears off his left eye, and then his right; like band aids he tries to heal the pain that he’s caused. He brushes Bokuto’s cheek and the athlete leans in, he holds his star with both of his hands.</p><p>“There is not a day since high school that I haven’t woken up in love with you,” Akaashi begins, “Not a day that I don’t think of you as a star, not a day that I haven’t felt spoiled by the mere fact that I have you in my life.” He makes sure to keep eye contact; he needs to be sure Bokuto is listening.</p><p>“There’s not a day that I regret what we have, not even close, because you make me so unbelievably happy,” he chokes, it’s the truth, life with Bokuto is fun, “There’s not a day I don’t get excited over our future, Koutarou.”</p><p>Bokuto is still crying but the tears are manageable, Akaashi can sweep them away with the swipe of a thumb.</p><p>“I am afraid of many things. People, feelings, things in my head, and things in real life. But I’ve never been afraid of how much you make me feel,” Akaashi smiles, “how much I so desperately love you, and how much I want to be loved by you in return.”</p><p>Akaashi knows it’s the reassurance his partner needs because he squeezes his eyes shut and lets the last of his tears fall. Bokuto makes a shuddered breath, he loves this man so much, it’s uncontainable.</p><p>“I am sorry for making you feel scared,” Akaashi whispers. He sincerely feels guilty, because despite all his good intentions, he’s made the one he loves the most feel unloved.</p><p>“It’s okay to be scared, Keiji,” Bokuto whispers back, “We feel this way because we love each other so much.”</p><p>Akaashi will never stop loving how Bokuto phrases the biggest thoughts, the hardest feelings, in the simplest ways. He’s spent years studying the greatest pieces of literature, but there is a beauty in having something stated so earnestly; between them, it’s always raw and honest.</p><p>“It’s okay to be afraid,” he echoes back.</p><p>It’s not the full conversation they need to have, it doesn’t erase the looming insecurities they both feel, but it’s a step towards the right direction. After a few more sniffles and a box of tissue shared between the two, both men start to look more human.</p><p>So Akaashi takes the initiative to lean forward, raises his hands to cradle his partner’s cheeks, and lets their lips touch.</p><p>Bokuto stays completely still, but when Akaashi half opens his eyes, he sees that Bokuto’s are closed.</p><p> </p><p>Later, when the sun starts to peak against the curtains of their room, where two men lay entangled in each other, Akaashi will break the silence.</p><p>“It’s like zombies.”</p><p>“Like what?” Bokuto asks, fondly, he’ll never get tired of Akaashi being weird.</p><p>“Like zombies,” he sleepily elaborates, “we just have to imagine the world filled with zombies. They’re the bad people, they exist, but have no brains and bare little consequence.”</p><p>Bokuto laughs, his chest vibrates against Akaashi’s cheek, it’s blissful. “Are you sure you haven’t been spending too much time with Udai-san?”</p><p>Akaashi snorts, “It’s my job to know all things about the undead, I am an expert.”</p><p>Bokuto ruffles his hair and lets Akaashi slide further to tuck himself underneath his chin. The sun has risen, and they’ll be parting soon, but it won’t be for too long.</p><p>“So, we’ll be zombie slayers then, running away from evil, beating up bad guys, and saving the world?”</p><p>Akaashi chuckles, the image is ridiculous. Udai’s concept was gruesome and horrific, not the ideal setting to live in. Their reality was less troublesome, still scary and upsetting at times, but much more sacred, beautiful even.</p><p>He lets himself get swept into the morning glow.</p><p>“Not exactly, but I’d like to think there is a world we can salvage.”</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>He gets a goodbye kiss before boarding the train. It’s the first trip out of Sendai and the early morning brings very few witnesses to their display. It wouldn’t matter, he’d do the same even if the station were full.</p><p>Bokuto will be travelling north for a few more games before another is hosted in Tokyo. They will miss each other terribly, but it’s nothing they haven’t gone through.</p><p>Akaashi gets settled into his seat and hugs his backpack close to his chest. He’ll need the extra hours of sleep and peace to make up for the raucous of last night. But before that, he pulls out his phone.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>[you]:</strong> Udai-san, I will be picking up the final draft some time after lunch. I assume you’ve already completed this.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Unexpectedly, his phone buzzes back right away. An all-nighter or an early riser? Sometimes it was hard to tell with Udai.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>[Udai-san]: hello Akaashi, I hope you have a safe trip home!</p>
  <p>[Udai-san]: I worked very hard last night; it’s all done! you can pick it up later.</p>
  <p>[Udai-san]: ✌️✌️✌️</p>
  <p>[Udai-san]: Also…</p>
  <p>
    <em>[attached image]</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    
  </p>
</blockquote><p>Akaashi raises his brow at the attachment. Udai would sometimes send pictures of his works-in-progress to gain an immediate reaction. The file is large, so he waits for the download to complete.</p><p>It’s an illustration, like a cover of a manga.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>[Udai-san]: I hope I did him justice 😊</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>It’s unmistakably Bokuto, an anime version of his likeness.  He’s depicted suspended in mid-air, raising his hand for a spike, wide smile and eyes looking victorious. The lines are crisp, and the strokes are deliberate. It’s evident that the artist had great care in crafting this piece.</p><p>He looks vibrant and alive, like he might jump out of Akaashi’s phone and manifest by his side. The background features a silhouette of a stadium cheering, how the lights might shine from above, and the kanji of Bokuto’s name.</p><p>It’s beautiful. An exact depiction of how Akaashi sees him as the protagonist he truly is.  The angle is familiar, reminiscent of their days on court together. It was the view from by his side, as his setter and his partner.</p><p>Akaashi feels a surge of fondness, both for the subject and the artist. Udai had put in the work to create something beautiful, but also so intimate; a view Akaashi had unknowingly longed to see once again.</p><p>Had it been deliberate or a happy coincidence, Akaashi doesn’t know.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>[Udai-san]: i’ll give you the actual illustration to pass onto him. it’s to thank him for the interview and that wonderful dinner.</p>
  <p><strong>[you]:</strong> I’ll be sure to pass in on, he will be very excited to receive it.</p>
  <p><strong>[you]:</strong> Thank you, Udai-san. It looks incredible.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Akaashi nestles into his seat and feels a warmth bubbling in his chest. The train takes him away from Sendai, far away from Bokuto, but he feels incredibly close.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>[Udai-san]: Also, don’t kill me when you see the update. I promise it’s just a cliff hanger!</p>
  <p>[Udai-san]: I’ve got it all figured out. Everything will be fine; our boys will get their happy ending!</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Akaashi closes his eyes and lets himself get comfortable. The rhythm of the train is comforting, and the outside world passes with a blur. Yes, everything will be okay.</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[epilogue]</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>March 2019</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>V.League Final Stage</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“What a wonderful dig that was from Inunaki, who passes it cleanly to Miya, and he – wow, to Hinata from the side, another point for the Jackals!”</em>
</p><p>The crowd roars from all corners of the stadium. Over a thousand people and every single one is fixated on the court; this is the match they’ve been waiting for- the finale of the season.</p><p>
  <em>“Oh, that was a lethal serve from Sakusa, it barely gets received, but it’s up and now they’re planning their counterattack -” </em>
</p><p>There is an adrenaline in the air that unites all of today’s watchers, whether you are rooting for the home team or the opponents, the shared joy over volleyball is insurmountable. It’s moments like this that make history, athletic feats that encourage individuals to ban together to witness human miracles in person.</p><p>
  <em>“What a brilliant combination attack, Bokuto takes it home and the crowd is loving it!”</em>
</p><p>This time, Akaashi raises his fingers, alongside several hundreds, in the form of a gun; beside him, Udai Tenma does the same. Their eyes meet and they both laugh.</p><p>
  <em>“That’s the second service ace in a row, the Jackals are not letting this get. From underdogs, to fan favorites, it’s clear that they’re here to win.”</em>
</p><p>Akaashi had woken up today knowing that the Jackals would emerge victorious. There was something in Bokuto’s tone last night, a sense of certainty and finality that this was their time. And Akaashi wholeheartedly believed in him.</p><p>
  <em>“Meian and Sakusa both come up, that’s one touch, and perfectly received by Hinata. Their setter is going to have to make a quick decision –“</em>
</p><p>“Take it away!” Udai shouts, unhinged and happy; his voice is drowned out by the hundreds shouting their own sentiments, but he doesn’t seem to care.</p><p>Akaashi had invited him to commemorate the newest release of Zombie Knight Zom’bish. The mangaka has been working overtime lately and he figures that he deserves ample rest after the almost-daily battles they've been through.</p><p>
  <em>“Bokuto Koutuarou, MSBY Ace and Olympian, soars high in the air to land a straight right in between their formation, that control is practically unheard of –“</em>
</p><p>There were other reasons to celebrate, the six-month probation period has passed and Akaashi is officially a regularized employee in Shonen Vai, much to Udai's absolute delight; the mentorship and bond between them has only grown since.</p><p>
  <em>“Set point for the Jackals, it’s Miya’s serve next - “</em>
</p><p>Akaashi is happy to invite the mangaka to accompany him on this very special day.</p><p>
  <em>“A narrow receive but it’s up, and going to Miya, who will he choose,”</em>
</p><p>It suddenly occurs to Akaashi, this could be it. Hinata is coming from the side and swinging his arms, Sakusa takes an extra step before locking into formation, and Bokuto is coming from the back.</p><p>It’s no longer Akaashi’s place to decide but, in this moment, with all his might, he projects his thoughts onto the setter. <em>You know who to choose.</em></p><p>And it comes to him. For a moment, Bokuto is suspended in midair, the ceiling lights encapsulate him in a glow, his formation impeccable, his eyes wild with victory. The ball makes contact with his palm and it takes a straight path just beside the line. It’s in.</p><p>The roaring that follows is resounding. Once again, Akaashi’s feet take control and push him off his seat, but he is not alone. Everyone in the stadium is standing, shouting, crying, it’s chaos.</p><p>Akaashi watches the team huddle into a circle, he sees the captain distinctly give Bokuto’s head a ruffle, and the younger players pull them into a hug. They’re a tangled mess of tears, laughter, and loose adrenaline; conquerors of the world.</p><p>Some of the hype dies down and the audience returns to their seats, but Akaashi is still standing. Today, he had woken up with resolve, with the distinct feeling that everything was going to be alright.</p><p>Udai glances at his companion with a fond smile. His editor may just be one in a sea of thousands, but today he matters more than most.</p><p>He tugs at his arm, just enough for him to turn around. Akaashi thinks that he might be asked to calm down but instead his partner mouths,</p><p>
  <em>What are you afraid of?</em>
</p><p>It’s the only reassurance he needs. Suddenly he’s squeezing in between bodies and apologizing to patrons as tries to move forward. He needs to navigate through the masses to get to the ledge’s edge, close enough to the court as possible despite the height.</p><p>It’s ridiculous that his heart is beating loudly and that he’s so desperate to see more of his star, <em>right now</em>. It’s ridiculous that in this moment, it’s all Akaashi wants.</p><p>“Koutarou, come here!” he shouts down below, tact be damned.</p><p> </p><p>He could have missed him due to the buzz of the crowd, the chatter of his teammates, the distractions in the stadium. Bokuto could have missed him if was not looking.</p><p>Akaashi is against the edge of the bleachers, among fans dangling shirts and other paraphernalia with the hopes of gaining their attention.  The team is being called to regroup and prepare for the closing ceremony, but it is the furthest thing in Bokuto’s mind.</p><p>There are thousands of voices calling to him, shouts and shrieks that demand his attention; but Bokuto listens when he’s called.</p><p>It’s ridiculous because they’ll see each other later; they have the whole off season to bond, and the rest of their life to go home to each other. It’s ridiculous but, in this moment, Bokuto knows what he wants.</p><p>He finds him in the stands, a crowd of thousands and he's the only one who matters.</p><p>Bokuto needs to stand on an unsuspecting bench, tip toe his highest to reach him. Akaashi needs to bend down and grip the hand bar with all his might.</p><p>It’s theatric, absurd, and maybe slightly dangerous- that doesn’t stop them.</p><p>Bokuto stands his tallest, Akaashi bends to meet him halfway, their lips touch.</p><p>If the crowd explodes at the revelation, if reporters rush to witness the scene, if the team hoots in excitement, neither Bokuto nor Akaashi would have noticed.</p><p>It’s their world, their future, and having a moment to themselves is really nothing much to ask for.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Edit: As of Oct2020, tiptoes has a direct sequel <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26524486">here.</a> Check it out!</p><p>Once again, a big thank you to Mirai for <a href="https://twitter.com/mirai_4_5_/status/1282348022412845058?s=20&amp;fbclid=IwAR20lJyuY-Pdfh6xYwvDJwskIy1gUNakrDa_w7r7cMdukuBbXa6zE0iwsDI">this tweet</a></p><p>This is my #ThankYouFurudate piece, and I wanted to do my best to depict Udai's love for manga and volleyball, and his mentorship with Akaashi.</p><p>This is my love letter to the fandom, I started Haikyuu as a lost and awkward high schooler, now I am a much more confident college graduate (and am posting this the day before my first real job!) </p><p>I don’t know how this will be perceived, but please leave kudos and a comment if you enjoyed this, it motivates me to write more. I'll eventually write Akaashi into 402 to expand my <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/series/1821622">series</a></p><p>I’ll be posting my author’s thread on twitter, let’s talk! Find me at <a href="https://twitter.com/itsfluffyham">twitter</a> | <a href="https://fluffysparklyham.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a>. Thank you for reading this labor of love. See you there!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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